Late Night Revelations

I’ve just returned from a 2am walk taken because I desperately needed to talk some stuff out with my Father. I’m still hurting from my anger and frustration, but I’m feeling better, feeling more purposeful, saner, and as if I might actually be able to win through in Christ.

There is a struggle in my life I’ve kept in the shadows, revealing it 3 or 4 times a week to a recovery group. This struggle has lessoned and has little grip on me, thanks to the power of God through this program. Yet it does still have a grip. It grips my subconscious mind and jumps forward randomly, though it is easily parried by simply praising God for the way He is healing me from it. This works. It is a simple enough act of faith in the Father’s ability to save me from sin, and it works. Yet about once every 15 days it acts out as I sleep. It did again this night and I am so grotesquely sickened by it. I’ve had it! I’m so done waiting for this sickness to heal!

So, after lying in bed for 20 minutes or so, unable to sleep, I’ve taken my walk. As I walked I cried, I screamed inside, and I told God of my deep anger, my feeing of abandonment, and the hot hatred I feel for my failures. I’m sickened by my sickness! (Ha!) And not just this disease, but the many other things in my life which seem such utter failures: bad use of time, lack of energy, inability to finish projects, a never ending flow of new problems, etc. And I found myself furious at the idea that this illness might have had power over me this night because I had failed to ask God this same night to give me freedom from it, as if God’s saving power were dependent on my action, that it was held back and unavailable until I ask. How terrible that thought seems to me, even now! That God’s loving touch is withheld and never reaches down to hold me, unless I request it!? That seems as empty and heinous as a parent or spouse never expressing love to you unless you ask for it! “Your not worth the effort, but I’ll do something if you pester me enough.” And yet the scriptures say “You have not because you ask not.” Then I had a moment…

I was a block from my house approaching a large tree which from a distance, as it stood in the light of a yellow street light, looked as if it were covered in small, yellow orange fall leaves. It struck me hard and I felt a little awe and confusion at this vision of fall in the middle of spring. I didn’t know whether to welcome the vision, since I love fall, or hate it since I’m ready for summer. As I walked up under it, I was given another vision. The tree was not covered in small leaves as it had looked, but in lacy white blooms which now seemed, as I looked up, like snow! Another shift in season! I became awed at Gods generosity then, that he gives such beautiful and almost supernatural visions to us in our times of need. As I though this, a strong wind began to blow behind me and I turned in time to see a large mass of undropped fall leaves race off a nearby tree and fill the air with a swift dance of flight. The air buffeted the area for a while and I thought of God being the still small voice. I though of how loving He is to let me yell my hurt frustrations at Him. That is when I realized, quite suddenly I think though at first unclearly, that we NEED to tell Him our needs just as we need to tell those who hurt us unknowingly that they are doing so. We sometimes tend to just bear with the pain and frustration friends, family, and co-workers lay on us, thinking “if I just bear with this everything will work itself out” even when it goes on for weeks, months, and years. Bitterness and hurt create deep wounds which can poison our relationships with many others as well. The solution, as I’ve come to understand it, is to voice those hurts, not confrontationally, but respectfully and calmly, remembering that this person too may be suffering. And even if they do not change their behavior, we have at least expressed our need and been heard. (There is much more to be said about this, but I’m not here concerned with trying to do so.) I now think that when we have as big a father as God, whom we look up to for all our needs, we need to tell Him too about our needs, hurts, and desires, not because He doesn’t know, which of course He does, but because we NEED to tell Him! We need to be aware of our needs, to give ourselves time to look into ourselves and discover what is lacking, and then to ask this loving Daddy for His provision.

I’ve not been doing this. Much as I’ve also been so caught up in busyness and work that I’ve failed to see how much I’ve been missing my girlfriend, I’ve also failed to see my other feelings and needs. In failing to see and acknowledge them, they have festered inside me. And by the time I’ve finally let them fly, they’ve had a chance to get pretty bitter. So, my need is to look inside, recognize my needs, and tell my Father about them so that I can be free from the burden of my need. When I just assume He will meet them and don’t tell Him about them, I find no peace because I’m still holding on to them. And this is true even when I’m unaware I’m doing it, sometimes even more true. So, for my own good, I better start giving Him my stuff, because I’m not big enough to carry it all around.

Peace out ya’ll. (Oh yes, I am so very Jive. @:D )

Random thought: What if all medicine were made of the exact same stuff and it was our belief in what the stuff does that makes it do the right thing?

Privileges of Salvation and Blessing

Acts 11:18. When the others heard this, all their objections were answered and they began praising God. They said, “God has also given the Gentiles the privilege of turning from sin and receiving eternal life.”

I can hardly believe that the salvation, the relationship with God that I have was one that might have not happened had it not been for God’s generosity in giving me, a Gentile, the privilege of turning from sin and receiving eternal life. I’m a mutt, basically. Irish, Scottish, Welsh, Ceckeslovokian, English… and that is just on my Dad’s side. These and all nations other than the Jews are Gentile nations, or nations God did not choose to save. Although he gave provisions for the Gentile who wished to become Jewish in the Old Testament, we are not his chosen people. And yet, we are. For it was God’s plan to save all humanity through the Jews. Here, we at long last see this fulfilled.

I guess I’m writing this entry because I truly am floored by the word “privilege.” This really is a privilege guys and galls! We don’t deserve this! This is something I want to keep in mind, that God didn’t have to save me.

I think of all the times the Word talks about fearing God. I use to have a hard time with that, but lets face it, God can be pretty scary! It’s like in the Narnia series, “He’s not a tame lion!” I fear my God in the way I respect Him, the way I am in utter shock at His greatness. Yet my fear does not overrun my love for Him, nor the Love I feel from Him. He has given me a privilege in knowing Him, and it is fearful to think that He might not have been that loving… that is if He wasn’t He.

Acts 11:27-30. Hello! How utterly trusting in God’s provision is this? Here we have a group of believers who receive a prophecy from one of their own that a famine is coming over the Roman empire. How do they treat this prophecy? Do they say, “Ooo… that’s really incredible to know that will (might) happen!” or “Goodness, we better save up for ourselves and watch number 1!” No! They donate everything they can to the brethren in Judea! Can you imagine it? All they have is a prophecy! Yet they are giving away what was probably the equivalent of thousands of dollars! This, my friends, is REAL faith, faith in action, faith that is not afraid, but fears God and His power more than the famine or their own loss of money. They act because they know God has given them a chance to make a difference and show love.

O dear God, may we be like them!

Taken all 3 steps, or taking no more.

Acts 9:23-24 says

I see that you are full of jealousy and chained by your sin." Simon said, "Pray to the Lord for me that nothing you have said will come to me."

These words are spoken to and by a man who was deeply involved in personal power and deception. The apostle sees through into his hearts condition when Simon again seeks power by offering money for the power to give the gift of the Holy Spirit. Simon's desire was so bad because it treated the Gift of God as a commodity, a thing to be bought and used for selfish gain rather than a precious gift, given out of love for the purpose of loving and helping others. So his sin is exposed, but his response I find interesting. It seems almost humble, and yet at the same time is not truly repentant. To his credit he does not deny the words of the apostle, or seek to hide from their truth. It is as if he has taken the first step and said “Ok, yes, I’m sinful and powerless.” He might have even taken the second step and said “I acknowledge there is one who has greater power than me and can forgive and heal me and restore me to sanity.” But then he seems to stop just short of the next and most important step of submission to that Power, of making a decision to turn his will and his life over to God, and instead basicly says “Pray that won’t happen to me and I can just keep on being who I am, but without the consequences.”

The fearful truth is that this doesn’t and can’t happen. God can either heal and become a part of you, or He can leave you alone to your fate. If left alone, the inevitable, unavoidable result of our self will is self destruction. In contrast, love is putting others before your self. God is love, and He became human and died for us in order to fulfill who He is. He couldn’t not do it because it is who He is (but it is not who we are without Him). When you truly love another more than yourself, and put that love into action, you are in fact experiencing God, whether you are saved or not. But without accepting Him as your Lord and healer, this cannot last forever. He will one day have to end this process of life leading to death that is our world and universe. The cancer of death will someday become so terminal that he will remove Himself from this world and let it run its self destructive course. But I believe the spirit of human kind is immortal and will be born again in immortal flesh, flesh and spirit which cannot be changed. That is what it means to be in time, it means to change, and death is the end result of change. Without God within one to shape that change, the change will always lead to more self-destructive selfishness. When one dies without God in them, their time of change is done and they freeze in whatever state they are in. And here is where it is truly fearful: God’s presence in the life of the one who rejects God is forever locked out! His nature of Love, Joy, Peace, and Kindness, which were available to all indiscriminetly by grace in this life, are locked out beyond their grasp for eternity, and all that is left is their sickness, selfishness, and sin. I believe that the flames of hell are a relief from this internal pain, not a punishment. They are the only relief one could possibly experience since all good things are beyond the ability of the deceased unsaved to experience.

So can I just say to you all, please accept God. Even if you can’t accept Him as the God of the Bible right now, accept Him as best as you can understand Him and let Him guide your thinking. Pray with Him, study Him and meet with those who are rigorously honest about themselves and God. And if you do not harden yourself against change with pride and self will, but humbly allow Him to guide your belief and life, I believe you will find Him. And I will look forward to experiencing His Love, Joy, and Peace with you forever.

Who is really dying, Steven or his Executioners?

The death of Steven always floors me. As they accuse him of being against the law of Moses, his face is glowing! Ya know, like Moses?!? He lays out for the Pharisees a great swath of their history, up until, a key point, the coming of Moses (wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more) who is one of the many Christ figures. Then he lets them have it! Stubborn, heathen at heart and deaf to the truth! As they shake their fists at him he sees a vision of Christ himself. Face glowing, head raised to heaven, he tells them of his vision, and they suddenly open their eyes and ears and are converted. Oh… ooops. I mean they COVER THEIR EARS and RUN AT HIM SCREEMING! Wow… that is just such an amazing picture of rejection of the truth. They cover their ears!!! It doesn’t say so, but I can just picture them trying to squint their eyes shut as the run at him as well, denying themselves both his words, and the his glowing visage.

In the 12 step program I’m working in, we say that one must be rigorously honest in order to recover, This is true because we have to be able to look at ourselves, God, and the reality around us with eyes unclouded by self interest and fantasy. The Pharisees were, frankly, living in a fantasy, one that dictated that they themselves were righteous and closest to God in all the world. They based this on their rigorous works and legalism. But these things are fruitless because they do not connect us with God, but only trap ourselves within ourselves. They became like those whom God told “I don’t want your sacrifices! I want your hearts!” But they refused to be honest and had a justification for every wrong they did.

See clearly who you are. Get in a 12 step program or a group who is completely honest with you and with whom you can be honest. Without this environment, the truth about yourself may always stay locked just out of site and the roots of your negative actions may never be found, though they lie just inches or feet below the surface. Abandon yourself to God as you understand God and to an honest group and you will find peace as you trudge the road of happy destiny.

Christian Communism? Part 1

Check out Acts 2:43-47 and 4:32-37. I would suggest http://www.biblegateway.com/. Any translation! Yeah baby! (Sorry.) These are some of my all time and absolute favorite scriptures regarding the early church and how I feel today’s church truly should be! Call me radical, call me un-American, or anything in between, but this is GOOD SCRIPTURE STUFF MAN, so don’t nail Him down, a'ight?

Here we have Christians coming together every day for prayer, sharing everything they have on a small, local bases, and being so close and full of the Holy Spirit that in 5:13 we’re told “No one else dared to join them, though everyone had high regard for them.”

Guys and gals, I want this. We have sharing on a distant scope as we donate to other countries, but this is highly impersonal and I think we are missing something huge.

Let me give you a picture of our American lives today. Generally, we work for ourselves or our immediate family. Millions of men and women leave their cloistered little worlds each morning to rush out into a feverish and self-centered world in order to make possible the cloistered little world they return to each night. Coming together with Christians for prayer, study, fellowship, and worship is the exception, not the rule as are having the time to bless and build into the lives of both Christian brethren and the lost of the world. Really, we pretty much look just like the world most of the time, only we have a religious reason for being nice, not just a common courtesy. The idea of more than one family living together and sharing the worldy burdens of house work, income, bills, and childcare so that we might have more time to invest in eternal issues is far from our minds. Not so the early church.

Long before the industrial revolution and the American Dream, their was a land hard to live in and with few physical rewards. Yet the people of this land fully embraced the creed of Jesus and made it their mission in life to bless each other and their God to such an extent that personal gain and property meant nothing. What mattered was making enough money to keep the whole going while still keeping enough time open to do the many other things which are important.

Perhaps I am over simplifying this a little. I’m sure that some in those days, who had been given more ability to work and make money than others, spent a lot of time making money, while those who were needed in other ways, spent less time earning an income. I’m sure things got very specialized. Also, I’m not saying we should abandon the notion of personal property. I thing personal property is a good thing and that those who earn more, should be entitled to the fruits of their labor. However, I’ve just got this dream…

I often find life an overwhelmingly large pain in the butt. It’s not enough that I need to spend most of my days earning income, I’ve then got to cook, clean, figure out bills, taxes, savings, and still find time to invest in my relationships with God and others. Then throw in car troubles, accidents, illness, theft, expensive maintenance… the list goes on… It’s overwhelming!!! And here I am, trying to become an Artist, a profession which one must work one’s hiney off in order to get anywhere and in which all too often success is measured by survival, not prosperity.

So… the dream… What if Christians truly made communities like they did 2000 years ago? What if I could just work my butt off making decorative or functional art work, and the specialized jobs of marketing, banking, housing, etc were just automatically taken care of my church family? Hmm… well, in actuality, I would probably become a very childish, underdeveloped person dependent on others. Ok, so only some of my responsibilities are aided by others, for instance the marketing, something I’m practically incapable of … and therefore the principle is perhaps a community of people who are developing the time and resources to pick up each others weaknesses at least until they are no longer weaknesses.

Ok… I gotta get some of that aforementioned work done, so I’ll continue this thought in another post.

Don't nail Him down... again.

I’m in Acts now, and I started noticing something. In 2:17,21, and especially 39 (depending on translation) and in 3:25-26, Paul alludes or perhaps prophesies the coming ministry to the Gentiles, yet he himself apparently doesn’t realize the import of his own words until, of course, chapter 10 when he sees his vision and goes to the house of Cornelius. This is after, I might mention, that Philip baptizes an Ethiopian Eunuch.

This is not a criticism of Paul, it is a recognition of how limited our understanding is and how broad the scope of God is. I have to keep this in mind! Even Peter, who said out of his own mouth what God was getting ready to do, didn’t get it! He was blind to the prophesy spoken out of his own lips by his preconceived notions of how God operates. And the same can be said of just about any other prophesy. After all, NO ONE EXCPECTED JESUS TO DIE! Is that not amazing? The single most important act in prophesy and NO ONE GOT IT!

Moral: Keep your eyes and ears open to God, and…

I was about to write that we should be quick to abandon any notions we have about God which seem to be disproved. But this too can be dangerous! So…

Better Moral: Keep your eyes and ears open to God, and when something SEEMS to conflict with what you believe to be true, file it away for later use. Allow the Holy Spirit to reveal how seemingly contradictory truths fit together, or which one is actually false.

Ahh… and this outlines the way I find God operating most often in my life: not with formulas we mechanically fallow, but in a rich and complex flux of continuous growth. He changes the “rules” constantly to broaden and deepen our understanding of Him and His Will.

So don’t nail Him down, man. Er… Don’t nail Him down again.

On Sci-fi and reality

John 20:24 This fulfilled the Scripture that says, “They divided my clothes among themselves and threw dice for my robe.” So that is what they did.”

One thing that always amazes me about fantasy and sci-fi is the propensity to turn characters into near God like beings. In Orson Scott Card’s Ender’s Game and its sequels, we see a boy with hyper intelligence who can seemingly do anything as a result. In Terry Goodkind’s Sword of Truth series, we see Richard who is the most powerful wizard alive, but who doesn’t know how to use his power. In deep need, however, it strikes out with inevitable finality. And in Frank Herbert’s Dune series, we see the godhood of prescient insight (seeing all the infinite possibilities of the present and future) and other memory (having the memories of all one’s predecessors). Mankind has a since of what it means to be god, but keeps trying to cast themselves into the roll. But it fascinates me how these contrivances of godhood can give us insight into the True God.

In Herbert’s God Emperor of Dune, I think we see one of the most striking demonstrations of Predestination. It takes place thousands of years after the original Dune book and is about the sone of Paul Atradies, Leto II, who in (if I remember correctly…) the third book, Dune Messiah, finds a way to become one of the great sand worms of Dune so he can live long enough and be indestructible enough to shape the course of mankind’s future down what he calls his Golden Path. Leto II, like his father, can see the future, not as a single possibility that has already been determined, but in the infinity of possibilities which can result from mankind’s decisions, and his Golden Path is the only path he sees through that infinity of possibilities which will guaranty humanities survival. His million year reign is felt for another million years throughout the events in the books that fallow God Emperor, and the characters of these books usually realize at some point that their very own actions could quite likely be a part of the God Emperor’s Golden Path, the only path to mankind’s salvation.

Yet the God Emperor is called a Tyrant and in the end of the book he is killed by a trusted ally, yet this too is a part of the God Emperor’s Golden Path. He legislated peace and denied people the right to travel. He got rid of many struggles by limiting freedom. His reign was stiflingly peaceful. In centuries to come, he is hated and feared, even when he is respected. And those who worship him do so more in a desire for power rather than an understanding of who he really is. No one understood his actions, though his reasons were the best.

Consider how often we are confused by God’s actions: the early death of a parent, a marriage gone horribly wrong, or an overwhelming financial burden, or any other number of things, from the simple to the complex. Now overlay that with The Tyrant’s perspective which was so deep and wide no one could fathom it. God, obviously has this perspective and more. God already knows the end results of every action; he knows just how far flung the effects of each choice will be felt. And above all he knows the purpose of our lives, something few sci-fi writers have got even close to. I think each even in history is key. Have you ever been amazed at how small the new testament is compared to the old? The old is a gross history of man’s complete ability to keep to God’s plan. It’s long and complex. Then Christ comes (and I would say he comes at the only time in history that he could have come and still have been able to accomplish his goal) and we have the new testament, which is comparatively speaking, small! Yet the depth and power of the new testament always amazes me. It is concise and powerful and could have contained all the history of church growth and events up until today, but it doesn’t. God knew just what to put in it.

The plan of God (hehe… as best as I can see it) is to glorify himself my showing his love to a universe of people who are completely undeserving. He is creating a web of every conceivable circumstance so that every possible life can have lived and still experienced the Love of God. In eternity, I don’t think you will ever be able to find a type of life that has not lived and been saved. And eternity will be sharing our Story, our experience with the All Mighty, the All Loving God, and glorifying Him in it.

And what we will find is that everything He intended to happen, has happened, and that in every pain, there was an awesome purpose which we will then rejoice over eternally.